Musings on 2015/16

I’ve been trying to come up with a self-important 2016 New Years post, but it’s been difficult. But after nearly cramping my hand filling in paperwork for my new job, I feel inspired to write further. For me, 2015 was a year dedicated to trying to appreciate what’s on my plate in front of me. I’ve spent YEARS trying to invoke meaning and happiness from Life with the firmest of hands, and failed, miserably. Succeeded in relative terms; I got where I was going, met who I wanted, kept away who I didn’t, etc. But in actual terms, rarely was I satisfied. Paradoxically; in seeing that and surrendering more and more in small ways: giving up arguments in my heart over something someone said or has done, staying the course in a living situation I would have fled ages ago…Sitting still and seeing that I have all the requisites I need and then some. And realizing little sparks of Peace and following their scent back to their source…

It’s been messy, and incredibly tumultuous a year for me. I spent it all in New Zealand for the first third, and Taiwan the greater part. At Vimutti, I had to confront my dissatisfaction with how little say I had in how things were done and how easily my negativity gets provoked. Without judging or running away from it all. Granted, I eventually *DID* run away, because that momentum is still there, though there was a certain sense of fatalism to it: I *KNEW* it for what it was.

And in Taiwan, although I was very quickly dissatisfied initially, I came to find that on quite a few days, I’d come home strangely content with my situation. Strangely content with my strangeness, even. Teaching ESL is the strongest provocation for my anxiety, but I feel like something uses that situation as a mirror for myself. It’s a truly potent mirror, too. Surrounded in feelings of separation and fear, my meditation practice was stronger than ever. It really became clear just how much projection my mind put onto every day situations, feelings and opinions on coworkers, students, and people around me. Nothing causes growth like having your buttons pushed — because then you see they’re all in your head.

Again, ultimately my momentum carried me on. It’s January 2nd. I’m here in San Antonio, slowly preparing for a new career as a Gardener with the Botanical Gardens here. I don’t want to project too much into that, but I’m pretty excited.

On topic: New Year’s 2016. I think this will be a year of acclimation to stability. I feel a real flowering in my heart in the direction of love and cultivating relationships I’ve let wither over my years of seeking. And with people in general. My anxiety is less and less of a barrier – I feel it but I still act in accordance with my highest principles and remember that it’s not who I am. Hmm….Out of gas. I can’t think of a proper closing, so I’ll just hope anyone who reads this is comfortable and well at the start of this brand new year. Lata!

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