How does one grow against the grain?..Something in me knows Life puts opportunities to grow that are disguised as problems or trials. I’ve seen it played out a hundred times. Somehow, mentally, it does not sink in, because my mind can’t see the grand scheme of things, so I continue to resist and formulate ideas on how things are and how far off they are from where I should be at. Everyone knows that you need to do what you’re afraid of in order to transcend it.
My AD asked if I was interested in teaching adult classes in two weeks. Frankly, the ideas scares me quite a bit; my ability to teach grammatical rules is lacking, but more importantly, I hate speaking in front of adults. I get shy and nervous. I don’t want to do it, but I didn’t outright say “No,” either. She said I could “talk it over with so-and-so tomorrow,” which is code for “we really want you to teach this even though its technically optional.”
I almost called her back to say “no, I really don’t want to do this; I’m contracted to teach kids and I’m not sure if I have the skill level for adults.” And not say “I’m scared to be in front of grown-ups because I don’t feel like one.” And something feels put-on, in some way, even though I told her when I first started I wanted lots of hours, and that I’d be interested in teaching adults. Silly personality, make up your mind!
I’ve been reading about the life of Peace Pilgrim lately. She was an amazing woman, absolutely incredible. She gave up owning a thing and walked across the US seven times, spreading a message of Peace and interconnectedness. Her message being herself and how she lives and carries herself and how to be peaceful. What gives me hope is reading about people like her and seeing the commonalities in the stories of other Awakened people. Despite having no real connections to each other culturally, her story could have been that of Jesus, the Buddha or Ramana Maharshi. Anyways, she goes on about living in harmony and how important it is to grow spiritually, and as a person.
I’m not sure if I will say no tomorrow. I don’t particularly want the hours. I’m teaching more hours for less money than I ever have right now, and somehow I keep saying “yes.” I don’t know why but I can’t deny that I’m rising to meet the challenges as well. During a class, I can practice. If the students are resisting and provoking me and they don’t want to be there and I don’t want to be there, I can see it as an energy instead of something to fight and plunge into it. Be awake and open to what I’m projecting into the malestrom and see if I can change things. Funnily, I don’t think I really succeed in changing things, yet today when they suddenly buckled down and started writing in their books diligently (for 10 minutes out of 2 hours of being little bastards), that bit of normalcy was so beautiful.
I want to live without fear, so I might say “yes.” Yes, yes, yes, yes until I can’t say no to what comes in front of me. If I had to choose a person to emulate or be a “Role Model,” it would be her, having read only half of this book. That’s what I wish I could do; what she did. Maybe it starts here.