I've been very, very quiet on here these past few months. Quiet in general, really. I've had to create a lot of space to just BE, which used to be quite tricky in this busy world of ours. The post prior to this has been in the back of my mind like an iron ingot despite my musings and I know I've needed to say…SOMETHING…For quite some time. But the time has never felt quite right. Now it does, and so I'm inspired to write.
And yet I don't have any words in particular. So I will just write and let things flow as they will. Let's see what we see.
On the subject of my mother's death, it's been a recovery for myself. A rapid one, which allows for both relief and guilt in my resiliency of mind, save when I'm feeling blue. But that's a rare time for me. Generally, it happens when I remind myself that so very suddenly, memories are what I'm left holding when death runs it's course. But I am also obligated to reflect that death. Death. Is universal — I am not special because its occurred so recently in my life. We all have this burden to bear — or recognition of its eventuality, and so I choose recognition, acceptance, and love for what was. Still, talking to my friends Chris and Megan about it over beers at a local bar was a godsend — to be reminded of the close bonds I've forged with a few folks here and there brings tears to my eyes.
I've had some great meditations lately. Only, if you ask me what was so great about them, I won't really be able to tell you. Save that they've been long, spacious and my sense of presence has carried over into regular work life quite often. My fears about various things have faded immensely…Until they come back up. But recognition of the tides of mind keeps me from feeling the need to duck and hide when they do arise. I find a lot of my usual interests taking a back seat to this exploration. I've always said "no" to a lot of social interaction but now I don't feel guilty about it because something very REAL is happening and I know that without letting this run its course there's no sweetness to this life. So while I pull back a bit into my tortoise shell, don't be too alarmed — I will be back.
I've been listening to some fantastic talks that are really speaking to my heart. This guy is pretty spectacular: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrvPClgh8I as is Krishnamurti, Alan Watts, and my usual Kindle collection. I'm getting some great social interaction with my friends at American Youthworks (where I am now working, incidentally as a Math/Science High School teacher) and really where I need to be in life, even if doubt often tries to tell me otherwise. Been on a few dates that were fun, but still I come back to how nice it is to sit by the water and not have to talk to anyone. I love and hate being such a hermit, but love is taking precedence. Because when I come back from that, I can positively glow in my interactions.
Yesterday was immensely strange of a day. I first went to the last 15 minutes of a Dhamma talk at the Austin Urban Zen Center and got to chit-chat with a few faces, both new and familiar, as well as Kosho, the monk who gave the talk. He gave me some nice words on seriousness and play in meditation. After that, I went out to Reimer's Ranch — a nice spot in Dripping Springs with caves, streams and a carpet-like silence that was absolutely intense to sit for a couple of hours next to a pond…The occasional ant bite every five minutes…A squirrel that really resented me being there…The occasional conversation of a passerby. But what made that sit special was the realization that I didn't have to go anywhere and zero desire to do so. I literally felt the sun's shadow tracking through the trees across my legs, partial to full to partial to no sun…And when mind would come up and say "we should get a move on," the response was "yes, yes we COULD. Its so nice to not have to need to go anywhere." I felt zero desire to move so I didn't. Concentration wavered between intense and disperse…Mind to breath to outside objects but there was concentration and peace that stayed with me on the drive home, to the parking lot of HEB. And I sat for another good 30 minutes there. I was with the breath…And it was hot and chatty people were in the parking lot. And again this feeling: "I could go in…No hurry, though. This feels nice." And so I stayed and just was for a bit. Until I went in. And found myself absolutely glowing over the most random things and interactions with shoppers.
This is the right thing. This is what's important. The best way to honor my mother is to unravel what it is to BE and then live as fully as possible.