I've been feeling somewhat apathetic lately…Which is strange, because I have an adventure on the horizon. I'm going up to Alaska, of all places, to work for a seafood packing company for the summer. Make a wad of cash, see a new spot on the map. I should be thrilled, and I am…Sometimes. And afterwards, I'm planning on heading down to Mexico – I've just secured an in with a teacher placement agency that will get me a position AND fly me to Sinaloa, a truly beautiful portion of the country where I can thaw after AK, pick up a 6-month contract and possibly work for a CELTA certification. Which, once I have, opens the door to teaching in the MIddle East, which is insanely lucrative and culturally FASCINATING.
I've a book in the works, a photography website about to be launched…My brand is set to sail. All of this is falling in place so perfectly for me and I should be excited beyond belief. And yet…Apathy. "Meh." It's doubly funny because I've quite a few friends that are feeling very much the same — I think it's a disorder inherent to this particular generation since we've rejected our parent's American Dream yet have failed to find a suitable replacement for it. Sometimes, I find myself envying people who don't have nearly so many choices as I do…Which seems a very odd thing to say, but it's true. And I say this because those people have to make the best of what they have, irregardless of what passions or whims pass through their hearts. They have massive debts to slog through…A spouse and family to support…Cars and dogs and houses and medical bills and quotas…And…And…I've always been fortunate enough to have so few anchors that I can pick up and move as the spirit moves me.
Now HOLD UP. Don't think for a SECOND I'm suggesting I want those extra things in my life. I worked my ass to get myself as debt free as possible and down to a single backpack so I could go where the wind takes me…Yet I still entertain a fancy along the lines of "the grass is always greener when you own a lawn." Knowing full well the lie of it all. There's an even better saying that says if you put everyone's problems in a bowl for all to see, you'd immediately snatch yours right back. General apathy and listlessness isn't all that bad — and as I've told dozens of my friends, I believe it's up to YOU to determine where the heart of the issue lies. To take your Life apart and examine your motivations, apparent successes and perceived failures to find the commonalities and turn Life back into a dance.
And so I shall — maybe I'm just feeling "meh" because I worry so much about how my mother's health will fare after I leave. But I think the "meh" is the deeper urging that I'm missing a deeper dimension and so, I try to be like water and flow along the path without too much urging. Trickle and flow until I connect to a branch of the Source, without looking over my shoulder, trying to gauge how far I've come or how much further I must go. Perhaps it's the notion of "doing" that's it — why do I NEED to DO anything?..Meh.