I wish I could either a.) settle down and have everything I want out of life…Or b.) be content traveling and have everything I want out of life. Why can't my mind simply settle and be happy with what is? Everytime I try a new mold, it eventually goes stale and I have to get my kicks out of something shiny and new on the horizon. It's a pattern I don't want to spend my entire life revolving through. I mean, I used to think that I'd grow as a person that way…Get all sorts of stamps on my passport, learn new languages and add more to this mental and physical amalgamation of energy and matter I call "ME."
But…I grew to understand that really, I was only running away. Running from the idea of disatisfaction with what is, rather than learning to be at peace with it and enjoy what I could. Hence, the past always seems brighter, and the future ever sweeter. I'm trying to learn to indulge in the present moment and it remains hard.
But I'm getting there, I think.
Still…I wish I could find a someone. A special someone. A sexy someone I didn't have to always feel like I was holding back with. Who likes trying out new molds with me and seeing what it takes to milk this life for all it's worth. I don't think as much about being single as I used to, but strangely, it's less of a foreign idea now. It doesn't depress me anymore…It's just sort of a "wouldn't it be nice if" thought stream.
Though I should be frank; there IS a special someone…Or at least, the possibility of a special someone, far but not too far away, back in America. We've known each other for a couple of years now through the magic of the internet. Entirely through the magic of the internet, unfortunately. When we first messaged each other, I was living in Austin, TX, and he in Houma, LA, working on a research rig in the middle of the ocean. Hence, we had plenty of time to talk. And then I had to move to China and him Washington, but we never entirely lost touch. Which is good, because we have quite a bit in common, I feel, though frankly…We've never really made it past the conversational part of any potential relationship, which worries me. I love his energy, his sense of humor, his sexy gamer-brain, and what we have already shared with each other. Dreams of the future. I worry that he's bisexual. That we've never met. That we'll always be stuck in pen-pal mode. That I'm not capable of a real relationship with another man. I'm not sure if I should be passive or push, since I've done both in the past and life seems determined to keep me in the "Singles Pool." The potential for love with a capital L is there, but what will it take to make that happen? Still…Not depressed; however things turn out it will be educational!
The only thing constant is change.
Man, I stink. Went jogging, stretching and generally moving about around the lake tonight. I've energy to spare, and wanted to give the quarterstaff a workout, but I just don't feel like going back outside, so I think I'll write some more, shower, then hit the sack. Last Monday, I danced shirtless with a bunch of other guys, and apparently there are pictures circulating amonst the email inboxes and Facebook pages of my co-workers…I guess I shouldn't care, but I do. Mostly because they're not overly flattering.
Vanity, thy name is Earl.
Need more shoulders! Mooooore planks! I think?…Not really sure what's even good for shoulders.
Like my new picture icons? Been meaning to do that since 2009! Finally got around to it. I tried to take some new photos but they didn't turn out overly nice so I just recycled images from Facebook. Fits the new color sceme rather well, I think.
Time to breathe some life into this page once again!