Sigh..

I hate feeling socially awkward more than anything else in the world…Cold…Pain…Stress…Nothing else bugs me more than social awkwardness because it’s my constant companion in life, it seems. All it takes is a perceived gaffe and it snowballs into this uncontrollable mess in my own mind that blocks my natural thought flow and creates additional awkwardness that others pick up on…It’s a strange phenomena, really, and interesting in that it shows just how much we communicate non-verbally. Eye contact, posture, orientation, word spacing, pauses, etc…Not that knowing any of this seems to help. It’s really when I find myself trapped in a conversation I know nothing about…Like swapping drunken college stories. I’m just silent on that because I have none. Can’t really talk about TV since I don’t watch it, and no one likes my music, so that’s out. Pop culture is lost on me, so that’s out. Don’t watch sports…Ugh.

As I sit there, my mind starts to spin on its own and I start wondering "am I making too much eye contact right now? I’m definitely being too intense; look away." "I have nothing to say…Surely I have SOMETHING to say about this?…" "they’re speaking; look interested. But you’ve been silent all this time; now you just look weird, say SOMETHING." "Well that was a dumb thing to say…Just be silent." "Oh hey, there’s a witty response; oops, missed the moment." Strange how much energy I put into dealing with people…Natural conversational flow is rare for me and I really value people I don’t have to take an effort to speak to. Just a bit of a sociophobe, really, and what’s worse than being awkward is KNOWING you’re awkward for no real reason other than because you try to make a conscious effort NOT to be. Which of course, fails. "Action without action." Easier said than done. Or…"Just do it." Which I’m going to do tonight. Because frankly, I really want to just curl up into a ball and listen to music in my room, but there’s two parties going on tonight that I said I’d go to…That should be nothing but fun, but I’m already worried about "ooohh…what will THEY think after how weird I was this morning," etc…Even though my friends are nothing but polite and friendly and I’m being entirely illogical…

I see why people drink. And I do it the more I hang out and try to be extroverted. And I don’t like it one bit. I see no reason I can’t be that chill, relaxed guy that yeast poop brings out without frying brain cells and wrecking my insides (I rarely get hangovers but my bowels are NOT happy after any real amount of alcohol in one night)…Yet he seems to elude me until I grab for the glass…Can…Bottle. I’ve always thought everyone is awkward in their own way…Yet I still feel even more so, even after all that I do to get over it and be me. If I had three wishes, I would very likely be so selfish as to wish away my awkwardness and be confident-chill dude forever…Eh. Drama-post. I get one every now and then; sorry to subject you to this. ><

It’s the identification that’s the problem. Because I believe that I am an awkward person, I become one…Yet subconscious trumps conscious mind, every time. And watching the process unfold is the most painful part of it all, because you’d think knowing how it works would give one power. But the mind is far subtler than that, it would seem.

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